Do you ever have those nights when you lay awake in bed, exhausted but wide-eyed, going over a million different things in your head? Do you ever feel like you have endless to-do lists but it seems they’re growing rather than actually being able to cross items off? Does this further increase your anxiety, preventing you from going to sleep? Been there? Me too. Keep reading, Momma.
To-do lists change drastically when we become pregnant and postpartum. Not only are priorities different, but you tend to have a more difficult time actually tackling tasks. This may be due to all of the life changes going on. Finding the time to make things you’d like to do a priority, may not really be in the cards right now. You may find that you must prioritize other things that you need to do, instead.
Why does this impact sleep? Well, if you’re a “thinker”, you probably have analyzed every single thing on your to-do list from every possible angle. You go over your options, brainstorm ways to meet your goals, list all of the pros and cons to your plans/ideas, and the various paths you could take to get there. At times, in between all of the planning, comes doubt. You may start feeling like you are unable reach your goals, which may be due to a lack of time or other elements of life taking priority. Cue “Mom Guilt” here. AKA you feel guilty for even thinking about doing tasks other than spending time with your children. (Mom guilt is a whole other topic that we will address more thoroughly in another post). It is a hard balance, reaching personal goals and aspirations, when the reality is, you also want to live in a world where you can feel inspired, while fully nurturing your family to the best of your ability. This is all enough to keep you up at night, let alone the day-to-day tasks, schedule changes, planning and preparation that comes with being a parent.
It is common to use lists as a way to reduce anxiety when you feel life is a bit out of control or you require some type of organization. Lists can equate productivity. When generating a list, it may seem like you are being proactive rather than reactive. For mommas, this can feel great. That being said, lists have also been known to increase anxiety when it seems they keep getting longer and nothing seems to be getting done. So, dependant on how you perceive list-making, you’ll determine if this is a helpful practice or not. Seeing that the “to-do” list route is not always the best method for everyone, lets talk about alternative tasks you can utilize during the late hours of the evening, when you need to quiet those intrusive, ruminating thoughts.
10 Tips to Calm a Busy Mind
- Tell your story
Whether it be talking out loud (maybe you can get your partner some ear plugs), writing a journal entry, creating blog post, writing a poem, or utilizing whatever medium you gravitate towards, telling your story might help to release some of your anxious energy. Similar to how we all have different learning styles, processing our day and our thoughts is very individual. Getting it down on paper or using your medium/creativity to simply put it out in the universe, may allow you to process your thoughts in a different way and facilitate your ability to move into a more rested state of mind.
- Practice slow, deep breathing.
This is a common strategy used to calm yourself, and can be helpful in so many different aspects of your life. Finding a way to ground yourself through breath can be calming and can help you get in a rested mindset, which will allow you to drift off to sleep without even noticing it. If you feel safe closing your eyes, take a deep breath in through your nose and slowly release the air out of your nose. I usually say a minimum of ten slow, deep breaths, but you can keep going until you’re ready for sleep. While doing this task, aim to clear your mind and focus solely on the breath. How it feels filling your lungs and expands into your belly. Pulling your focus to the breath and your body, should help calm your mind. - Get some water.
Sometimes stepping out of the physical space and/or situation can reset the body and mind. By leaving the room and getting some water, you have a task to do and it helps to break the cycle you’re in. This may be facilitate your ability to refocus and, rather than continuing on ruminating thoughts, it will help ground you, bring you back to neutral, get you out of your head, and try again. - Visualization.
If you have had any experience with mindfulness-based counselling, you may have gone through a visualization process. The purpose of visualization is to bring your awareness inwards, essentially allowing you to feel present in your body and be mindful of your thoughts. Visualizations are great because you can do it in bed and it will bring your mind away from the ruminating thoughts and refocus on a more relaxed state of mind. There are visualizations online or apps you can get to walk you through one but it could be as simple as closing your eyes and visualizing a different place. A place that you find to be calm and beautiful, peaceful and free. It is recommended to couple your visualization with slow, deep, breathing. This not only relaxes the mind, it can bring awareness to your body and help you to settle into a calmer state of mind. - Count your blessings. Literally.
We know that counting sheep is definitely helpful from time-to-time but please note, this exercise is also not meant to add to the ruminating thoughts. So if you feel it could go that route, do not practice this method. It is intended to slow the mind from negative thinking and focus on positive thoughts. Go over some of the elements of your life that you’re happy and grateful for. So often we are ruminating on the negative aspects or our “to do” list. Try to calm your mind by thinking of all of the elements in your life that make you happy and you’re confident with. You can also utilize visualization in this practice as you drift off to sleep. - Read a book. (A physical copy, if possible)
Pick up a good book, whether it be an old faithful or something you’ve had sitting on the sidelines. Be sure to make a choice that does not generate any other emotion than happiness and zen. How often have you read a book and you find yourself slowly falling asleep, needing to re-read those pages over again? It can really help to lose ourselves in a good book. It may simply bring you out of your own head and into another story. This story has no personal stake in your life, so you don’t have to worry about the details, just simply enjoy the visualization it creates. I also suggest a physical copy for good sleep hygiene but I know with the technology these days, it is probably getting better with the e-readers. However, it is suggested no back-lit devices prior to bed as it leads to less melatonin production, which impacts your ability to fall asleep. That’s why they also say no televisions and cell phones before bed… I wonder the impact of our baby monitors beside our bed… just a thought… and might explain a few things. - Utilize sound.
When your brain won’t stop, sometimes it is helpful to fill it with something else. If you’re a music guru you probably already have a great playlist for sleep. If not, try it out. Focus on a playlist that is calming and does not generate emotional thoughts from past, present or future, and is a tone that will not encourage you to go dancing at a night club. The purpose is not to generate any more energy from the music. Pick something soothing, that will lull you into a sleep. If you want to, set a timer that will shut the music off as a means of avoiding waking back up to do so. Disrupted sleep is no better. Additional options would be to turn on a fan or use a sound machine (they can help adults too). - Utilize an App.
Good sleep hygiene suggests no screens close to bedtime. Sometimes there is an exception to the rule if you make it quick. Try cuing up a meditation app or music app prior to starting your bedtime routine. This will help you avoid screen time and distractions prior to bed, and allow you to quickly put away the phone after. An app I would recommend is, The Calm App. It helps guide you through meditation exercises, has calming music, has sleep stories etc. Load up the app, lay back, close your eyes, and listen. - Meditation.
So much of what I already listed is considered activities associated with meditation. You can actually flow through a few of these tasks in sequence and make it a regular part of your meditative practice. For meditation exercises, you could load up the Calm App, but here is an example of a meditation using some of the tips listed in this post:
Put on some light, calming music, lay in bed, and find yourself in a comfortable position. Closing your eyes, ease into the meditation by taking slow, deep breaths. Feel grounded into the mattress on the bed as you visualize your body slowly sinking into the cushion. Check in with your mind and body. Notice any points in your body where you feel tightness or pain, and breath into those areas. Focus on your breath and let go of any thoughts that may be trying to make their way back into your consciousness. Pay attention to the rising and falling of your breath and how that feels in your body. Be mindful of any thoughts that have entered your mind, and let them go. Focusing on breath for a few more minutes. If you are still not ready for bed and your mind continues to wander, visualize your day. From start to finish, what brought you to this moment. Only take a few minutes to get yourself to this present time, focusing on the important part of your story from the day, and not getting wrapped up in any new thoughts and feelings. Now bring awareness back to your body, slowly starting from the feet to the top of your head. Putting each and every part of your body to rest, every toe and finger all the way up to the last hair on your head. Sinking deeper into the mattress, grounding yourself in the present and focusing on your breath. Allowing yourself to feel rested, and paying minor attention to fleeting thoughts until you fall asleep. - When all else fails. Write a list.
Okay. I know, I said writing a list does not work for everyone. However, sometimes getting it down on paper can help clear the mind. Sometimes we ruminate on information because we simply do not want to forget that it needs to be done. Having a pad of paper and pen in your nightstand is a great way to jot it down and put it to rest, so you can rest. Sometimes if you pull out your phone to make a note, it is not as effective because you have now seen a blue screen, which is disruptive to your sleep hygiene as you lay in this dark room. But also, it can create a whole new distraction, especially if someone has emailed or messaged you. Keeping it very simple, pen to paper, saves us from potential distractions. Do your best to only list the thoughts or tasks that are on your mind in that moment. Avoid trying to brainstorm everything else you can add because that can generate a whole new world of thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the simple task of putting the thought out in the universe can ease your mind and help you put it to rest. Sometimes it is helpful to actually say out loud, I recognize the importance of this task, but I cannot do it right now, so I will write it down and revisit it tomorrow. I know it may seem silly, but telling yourself this out loud helps relieve the concern that we will simply not make it a priority. Who knows, it may not even be a priority the next day.
To sum it all up…
Getting adequate sleep is a difficult battle. You can feel utterly exhausted yet be wide awake and unable to sleep. It is truly a difficult concept to wrap your head around. You feel that you would do literally anything to get some sleep, and yet you simply cannot get yourself into the right mindset to actually fall asleep. It can be frustrating, disheartening, anxiety provoking and feel defeating. These feelings can be especially heightened when you are a sleep deprived pre or postnatal mama. You literally need all of the sleep you can get. We know that sleep deprivation is a huge factor in the risk of perinatal depression and anxiety. Sleep needs to be protected and so often, it is not. Getting adequate sleep is one of the most vital goals for our perinatal well-being. It is hard enough not being able to sleep in certain positions or to be woken up every few hours to a kick in the bladder. Then we have the baby and our sleep is disrupted by a crying baby or cluster feeding. The last thing we need on top of all of that is our thoughts actually keeping us awake.
Focus on your breath, calm your mind and body, and try to focus on being present. What is the saying? Worrying about tomorrow’s troubles only takes away today’s peace… well, some things are much easier said than done but I wish nothing but sweet dreams for you, Mama.
xo
P.S. There will be a post on sleep hygiene soon…
